'Bout to get skinny af.
Weight loss story? Sure, okay.
So two things: I'm taking part in a fitness contest through Seattle Athletic Club Northgate and I said I wasn't going to drink for as long as Trump was in the White House.
SPOILER: I lied. Not about the fitness contest, though. That's real.
So we have to weigh in every Wednesday morning at 6AM. First weigh in, I'm hella heavy. Like heavier than I've ever been in my life. I'll tell you how much. I'm not shy. Two hundred and seventy six pounds. Heavier than anyone on the Seahawks defensive backfield. Except, you know, not totally ripped like Kam Chancellor. Goddamn Christmas. Anyway. Second weigh in BLAM I'm down five and a quarter pounds. The trainer is all "OMG YOU CAN'T DO THAT". I'm all "YES I DID". She goes "HOW DID YOU DO THAT?" I go "Don't eat before 10AM or after 6PM". She goes "OMG YOU CAN'T DO THAT. YOU GOTTA EAT SEVERAL SMALL MEALS A DAY." (She really does speak in all caps. For real.) I go (I'll save you the all caps although I was all-caps-ing) "I can't do that because when I do that I fall asleep at 10AM". She goes "YOU GOTTA" (she's still all-caps-ing.) OK. So I do.
Next weigh in I'm up by almost two pounds. I'm all MOtherFUcking SUMBITCH. Other trainer (dude) is all "Numbers don't lie." (He does not all-caps. He is chill af.) I'm all "I'm going back to doing what I do."
Couple days go by. He sends me an email about how I should meet with one of their nutritionists. I delete it. I go back to doing what I do.
But check this out: I add a twist. I play dirty pool. The night before weigh in, I go and drink three beers despite what I said about not drinking anything during the tenure of the Trump administration. Here's why:
Ever wonder why alcohol makes you pee? It's because it suppresses the hormone that makes you *not* pee. True story. The longer the alcohol is in your system, the more you pee. And because I know this, and because I really fucking want to win, and because I don't want to go back in there, stand on the scale in front of the trainer, and have them read to me from the Bible Of Several Small Meals again, I cheat on my no-drinking-while-Trump deal and I have three beers.
And as of this morning at 6AM (drum roll) I AM DOWN TEN AND A QUARTER POUNDS BOO YAH THANK JESUS.
Now before you say "YOU CAN'T DO THAT ALL THE TIME" (because I know you're all caps af), no worries, I don't plan on doing that all the time. That would be insanity. And although I am clearly crazy as a bedbug, I'm not that kind of crazy. I still wanna go for as much of the Trump administration as I can without having a(ny more) drinks.
Oh -- I left out the other detail. I only eat one kind of thing at a time. So for instance, if I'm eating meat, I'm only eating meat. Not meat and a salad. And if I'm having salad, I'm just having salad; likewise, veggies with veggies. I make sure I eat things at least an hour apart. Now I have no idea if that's backed up by any kind of research, but I do know that it works for me. I'll explain how I came up with this method next time.
Much love, -Gunn