Focus on the watermelon, bear. Just the watermelon.
So I told you guys how I just fuckin' SCHOOLED the peeps at the health club -- well did not actually SCHOOL but more like just went back to doing what I was doing for the fitness contest and lost weight by my own method instead of the one they suggested but didn't really rub it in OTHER THAN doing a little dance at the Wednesday weigh-in because I had lost 10.2 pounds Jesus Christ this sentence is long.
And yeah, I was going to tell you what my method was so here you go. It has to do with bears.
Bears, or "nature's little eating machines" as the scientists call them, are opportunistic eaters. In other words, they will eat whatever the eff is in front of them. In nature, that means that if there's a deer, they'll eat a deer. Not a deer and a salad and a roll because nature does not supply "balanced meals" last time I checked. You get one kind of food at a shot. Whole bunch of apples fall from a tree. Whole field of bear grass (yes it's a thing and yes bears graze - more later). Whole bush full of berries. You get the drift.
Only time bear does *not* do this? When bear is eating out of the garbage. Human garbage. Garbage from humans who eat "balanced meals". Does bear get sick doing this? Yes. Yes bear does. Bear also gets shot, but don't even get me started on that.
So I figured I'd take a cue from the bears and only eat one kind of thing at a time. Last night I had two lamb burgers all on their own, no sides, no bun, nothing. Earlier that day, I had a salad that was just salad, no cheese, no croûtons, no je ne sais quois. Although I didn't plan on it, it turns out that I eat things more than an hour apart, so that probably works in my favor too.
The other psuedo-science I applied has to do with how I think stomach acids work. I remember back when I was in Mr. Eilers' biology class and we did that thing where we had to spit into a test tube for, like, half an hour so we could learn something about how digestion works. I'm probably recalling this incorrectly and I'm way too lazy to read the Internet, but I think it was that the composition of digestive "juices" (worst use of the word "juice" EVAR) changes depending on what's in your stomach. So I figure that if you throw three different kinds of stuff in there (protein, starch, roll, automobile tire, odd sock) it's going to get all wanged out trying to supply just the right kind of "juice" (ugh) to handle it. ("Wanged out" is the correct scientific term, by the way.)
There. So to review, in a nutshell:
Do not eat before 10AM or after 6PM. Eat only one type of food at a time (meat, veg, fruit, starch) with an hour in between. And yes, I know that I drank beer in order to lose weight just that one time, but don't do that. Your results may vary. Try this at your own risk. Member FDIC.
And if you choose to try this method, shoot me an email and lemme know if it works for you.
Much love, -Gunn